OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
