Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
