I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend