She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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