Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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