hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
