when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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