They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
birth control should be required to get into college
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
