I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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