Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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