If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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