just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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