oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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