good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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