Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
