I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
only if we run a train.
done.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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