Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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