I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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