i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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