p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
