Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
