Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.