I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
