why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like, not good at living.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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