As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We need to rekindle our bromance
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
