I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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