I just made out with a guy for $7.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
