I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
