I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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