God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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