God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
