do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
