Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
