If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
