The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
