Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
