Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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