you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
