Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I feel great
I just peed on a car
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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