Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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