I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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