I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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