I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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