Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
