My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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