I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You made out with two different species that night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂