The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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