I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I will pee on everything he values.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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