why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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