Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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