I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
