I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
