This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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