A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
