he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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