Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
