So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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