I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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