Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
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Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
the liver wants what the liver wants
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god