What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."